See…Saw?

The world has been involved in an inappropriate relationship with me for a while now, longer than is necessary for me to really say that I’ve had enough of it, and longer than is safe to really be engaged in this kind of running battle that doesn’t seem to have any kind of real locus other than in my whereabouts. These disparate threads of collusion are problematic because when the thing is synchronous, it’s really dangerous to be around and really difficult to be someone for whom the spotlight of obsession is turned up full blare. I don’t know what the big deal is at this point, the economy is an illusion, social goods are not going to make themselves and as long as I am subject to this kind of treatment than I have to realize it is incumbent on me to take the lead in dealing with the requisite factors that influence decision making and also, my general state of being. There is no point in goal setting beyond the creation of a buffer that in and of itself is dynamic and potable, to the extent that a psychological buffer between yourself and the disruptive forces is sometimes enough to keep you safe from losing your composure or worse, self-harming by allowing hate to suffuse your being. I have trouble when I succumb to hate and I feel as though I shouldn’t be succumbing to hate at this stage, although why wouldn’t I be at this stage, given the nature of poisoning and the notion that my life has been set up to be poisoned and that has been accomplished.

Now what?

Now that I see the nature of the engagement as being conflicted and predatory, and also schematic and uneven, I can slowly develop a system that would allow me to buffer my response to things but also allow me emotive contact with the forces that are shaping my world. A buffer is not insulation, it’s a physiological necessity, and the only thing you have to guard you when there is no privacy to be found. The lack of privacy is toxic and it seems like the whole point of having this relationship was to create an example of violation that would then intimidate or literally threaten other people as a bastion of resolve that is unlike others for the singularity of the focus and the duration or long running time frame whereby these kinds of things have become normal and commonplace, with almost epic crowd scenes developing casually based on the recognizance of what the person does when he is off screen and presumably subject to the laws and consequences of choices, especially for the viewer.

I encounter this a lot: people choosing to watch me and then getting a hostile response when they share what they have seen in one way or another that is indicative of privileged access to my estate that I don’t even have. Somehow this strange circumstance developed where we have no privacy and everyone is all about your affairs, more or less crippling them, without actually doing anything for you that would be salutary or helpful to the overall conceit, which presumably they share at some other, remote venture. Indeed, remote interference is a problem for me, and I don’t know how to address it because there was a remote dependence that was inculcated and of course this is very draining and very motivating to try to put things to work in a more socially positive way, if that is even possible right now. I’m not sure if our society needs to endure in it’s current form because it seems to be set in a mold that only benefits a few people and leaves many people, like me, bereft and scrambling to find sources of social habitation that are suitable to what we would conceive as of being relative to our own propensity to contribute. I hate the para social dimension in my life because it doesn’t add to anything that I do and in fact, tries to adhere to my being like a blanket factor or wind tunnel would funnel your thoughts, opportunistically or not, as a matter of construct and durable place holding in the community. What I’m saying is that you could do other things than group think where people repeat other people’s thoughts just to be a pain in the ass. If this is a hazard of the terrain and it’s not going anywhere, fine, but I really question the tendency to occupy that space in my life without due tender of any kind, no offer, no nothing, just expectation and grift. I’m being strip mined, fracked and it sucks. This has to stop. But how to make it stop?

Are the people involved sensible or is it just opportunity? I’m trying to avoid suicide and homicide and there is only so much I can do for myself; some of this has to come from the same environment that hosts the schizoid elements if not the actual schizoid apparatus. These are elements of a culture that suffers from it’s own form of schizophrenia, from it’s own form of disassociation thru data and tech with there being no solid or reliable arbiter of truth between the digital and the material. We are always searching for that; they made me an arbiter of death and I resist that and I don’t cultivate that energy if I can avoid it. It’s okay for people to laugh at life and death; what’s so good on the sidelines might I ask? I remember the Tim Horton’s ad.

That could get anyone at this point.

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